Comparing twins is something indispensable, I’m not gonna lie. Something nobody can really restrain. You can’t tell your brain not to think about a thing (note that, please). It’s almost the same as comparing yourself to others and then feeling either worse or better.

Here, I will single out three toxic, fundamental comparisons that marked our childhood. In that period, they hit harder — how could it be otherwise, we were kids.

As an identical twin, to me, comparing represents a normal sequel of brain-work when standing in front of two identical persons while trying to create a longer-lasting memory of their names. But let me try to bring closer to you how this becomes toxic now that we’re older:

(DISCLAIMER: maybe some heavier feelings woke up in me while I was remembering those gullible days, so some sentences may sound a bit personal, or as if we were victims of bullying — but we’re not, thumbs up).

When comparing starts to hurt? ＞︿＜

Some people just don’t question themselves enough, so they end up putting a pair of so-born souls in an uncomfortable situation. I don’t know why I allow myself that, but every time I feel an inexplicable, not-so-friendly energy when someone mentions our twin-being as some sort of negative lifestyle, my confidence drops. It convinces my common sense that I’m a less capable creature.

Whatever you’re doing, people will always find something opposite to comment on. If you match outfits — “why do you wear the same,” if you don’t — “do you have/love the same clothes?” When you show up together — “they will always go as a package deal, never independent,” when you don’t — “why don’t you go together?”…

This is a part of everyone’s life, but a twin-case has always been a special topic to dig into. They say, “you need to develop your own personalities… it’s better for you to get separated…” blah, blah… I mean — applause for you (for the ‘smart ones’), you really opened our eyes!

Don’t get me wrong — I really love when my sis and I are the topic, and I love answering the always same questions, and that’s perfectly fine. Twins must be considered “normal” siblings, and as a “normal” young person, you fear change, the new, the unknown. Since we share the same interests — for hobbies, college, sports… — we created habits that suit them. And talking about separation means changing all that, stepping out of our comfort zone (plus, extra pressure when someone starts pretending to be smart). Hope you get me now.

Differences in harmony – 3 basic comparisons

Imagine two kids living life together, often listening to others compare them and taking it as a flaw in their existence. This may sound dramatic, but for me — a kid doing kid-work — it felt like failing at being a twin. Luckily, those comparisons didn’t break our bond, because our qualities are so deeply intertwined.

To clarify a bit — one has what the other lacks. Most importantly, we’ve managed to accept it (that claim is still under development).

(There’s no exact border for the following personality labels — just a most-of-the-time characterization):

Bigger vs Smaller

Maybe the most annoying comparisons are about physical sizes. They lead to an instant drop in mood and confidence, especially when it comes to identical twins.

People just mention it too simply — like thinner or thicker — not knowing that it’s a normal part of womb-mating: one develops (just a little) faster, earlier than the other. In practice, it may result in an inch of height difference, a slightly sharper jawline, a slightly wider shoulders or thinner waist, or maybe a slightly weaker immune system, so that one ends up with troublesome skin, uneven tone, or scars… a lot of qualities that cannot be controlled or changed, because it’s nature’s art.

Yet, it hurts when it’s mentioned. Like you’re tagged in others’ minds as the “bigger one,” instead of the “major one,” because, obviously, you were planned (lol). And then it drags along other expectations and assumptions — like one must be weaker, or fitter. This sparks another comparison, which slightly reveals our characters, yet people still fail to guess the rest of our personalities when they get to know us even a little…

Girly vs TomBoy

“The outfit makes the person.”

Not the whole wardrobe, but the colors bring differences to our very similar clothing tastes. Here is a blog about how colors marked us. Purple and blue clothes are like magnets for our hands — like a siren’s call when the eye catches something even from a distance. My favorite days are when we dress matchy, like Barbies.

"Habit is a powerful thing — a slow builder or a slow destroyer.”

We’re used to wearing casual in our everyday life. Nothing too catchy, elegant, or outstanding. More sporty, relaxed, home-variants. We have some different opinions about jewelry, nails, heels, and other accessories. But when there’s a need to pick an outfit for a festive event (which we yearn for, because it happens very rarely — the universe simply won’t let us steal the show), we can make it like: same ingredients — different spices, same idea — different ways.

A perfect way to describe twins and the shades of their personalities.

Twin sisters in media are usually represented as the “girly” one and the “tomboy” one. In real life (our life), that’s kinda true, but in a very diluted way. Although I’m two minutes older, my twin sis was always better at certain physical activities — like sports, garden work, etc. — and I was (and still am) the more creative one, the more delusional one, the more naïve one… As a cherry on top, the slight differences in our facial features further leave an impression on others about our characters.

And now we come to the part where people get to know twins better and can tell them apart just by their possible actions or answers. A very roughly divided comparison goes like this…

Good vs Bad

This is a relative thing — it depends on the situation, of course (and maybe the part of the month, lol). For example, I’m the more easy-going, positive (a bit lazy) person with her head in the clouds, and my twin sis is the talkative (can be brawley), strict, up-to-date girl of action. Good and bad facts, depending on the situation. But that’s exactly how we function so fantastically.

So, this could be an example of how the popular twin characters in cinema are created. Put a little hyperbole into that and you can make several types of comedy or science fiction. (Lucky for us, as Geminis with an exceptional love for cartoons, our life is basically a sitcom). But there truly are twin sets who can fit into these hero–villain roles.

We knew twin bros who were literally a copy-paste duo, but one was good and the other problematic. They got along with each other, but they didn’t influence each other. One was doing well in school, hanging out, living normally — while the other was dealing cheat-sheets and was perhaps a professional micro-shop robber.

The Worst Effect Of Toxicity

Some twins just can’t handle it. Word by word, year by year, and the bond is gone. That saddens me the most. Ruining that angel’s chain — which is a much-discussed topic in psychology, the definition of empathy… My twin and I narrowly escaped that silly end of us because of others’ thoughts.

Of course, comparing isn’t the main culprit of a breakup, but for some twins it sounds like a “devil’s reminder,” depending on the context. Comparing can instigate jealousy, envy, or a sense of superiority in one twin. A little internal shake of emotions — that’s how I would describe it. And then, after a long period of constant comparing, it’s up to the twins which emotion will ignite their hearts.  

That isn’t the case of “a word cuts like a knife,” but more like “it cultivates like pollution”. A little advice for all friends and families of twins — and people in general: keep your difference-labels to yourself (no hate, lol). We all compare ourselves to others, so you kinda know how it feels when someone has what you don’t. Maybe you’re mentioning one of those cliché differences for the first time, but for them, it’s the hundredth time in a completely different situation. A joke stops being funny after being heard a hundred times. Facts have multiple ways of growing into conclusions. Duration gives things a new form.

Dear twins,

Keep your minds clear. All the differences are simply the qualities that couldn’t fit into one body. Every shared-life has its difficulties — show everyone how conflict can be worked out, how to handle compromises, and how to endure that feeling of half-satisfaction. You were born as a team, use it. “Partners in crime” for all secrets. When one cries, the other is there to laugh at her/him (lol, just kidding).

The level of empathy twins can develop within themselves is very high — learn how it can work for you in a society that lacks it.

There are twins who wanted to be separated, and there’s nothing weird or “better” about that — it’s just a normal life path. As long as they get along, they’re twinning to the max. What breaks my heart is when the place between them, where the bond should be, is filled with hatred. Twin or not, that’s bad for anyone. For twins, it’s maybe even reinforced.

The causes of that state more often emanate from home rather than society, as I’ve noticed. Whatever the reasons are, justified or not, hatred is poison for the soul. If you can’t stand your twin, at least don’t stand on your own chest by carrying that hate. Be wise and look at the big picture — of everything that happens in your life and how you react to it.

Decide which tee fits the twins you know. Go with their personalities, or against them. The House of Double isn’t for the wishy-washy (since everybody is rushing somewhere nowadays).

Happy choosing! 💜💙