Twin fights are as special as people think they are. The energy that floats in the air is different compared to other fights with a sibling or even with a parent. It is a big deal for identical twins with a strong bond. How do you overcome a twin fight? (And every other fight?) — let’s try to explain it through an example.

Twin fights can have a very strong influence in both directions: rather to destroy the bond and twin-being, or — to teach the brain self-control, self-awareness (practicing on your “stunt double”, duh), and, in the end, force you to think more deeply about people’s actions (since you’re used to hearing your twin’s full alibi to feel whether certain decisions are justified). It gets you used to making better connections with others, aka empathy.

The FAQ that I don’t know how to answer properly but love trying to is: “What is it like to be a twin?”. Sometimes, my sister and I love to make inside jokes about that wonder — saying we’re aliens (lol), or that there’s only one real one, while the other is just a tourist from a parallel universe (lol). 

Don’t get me too fanatic, but… it’s very cool to have a twin (in our case). We have a sister who is four years older, and we’re two minutes apart. Yet, those two minutes make small differences too — perfectly enough to spark inter-twin conflicts not understood by others (that’s what gives twin fights a special note).

The good thing is sharing a birthday (double the gifts); the vice: double the importance of that person in your life (consciously and subconsciously). Importance not in the way of “you’re meant to be together for a whole life”, but as “you’re each other’s backup, each other’s diary, a safety rope, saddlebags, a ‘wooden lawyer’, a non-corrupt judge… a travel-mate through life, even if the road splits”.

From Womb To Tomb!

Twin fights at kid’s times ~(>_<。)＼

Not so long ago, we were kids (by age — and always will be at heart), so the memories of those days are still fresh. I remember certain feelings from when my sister and I were fighting. It felt like the end of time until the situation between us calmed down. Like something stuck between the throat and chest, needing to be said, but you just can’t continue the conversation. And when you have to go on with the day, the day turns into an internal encore of the fight. What hits differently is something about the heart.

If you ask me now how our fights used to be, I think of a heavy head, a blurry environment, a lack of breath, a kind of hopelessness, or very big rage. All my attention was on what was between us. (The time range was about half an hour of arguing, and hard feelings for the rest of the day — just to clarify the dynamic of hot-n-cold rounds.) Most of the time, it was weakness rather than physical, bully-like power. Sometimes there was a slap, or kicking, grabbing, pushing… (such a feminine, appropriate way ^.^).

I felt more like a teddy bear whose eyes were buttons sewn with thin threads, with torn ears, a patched throat, and soft arms — even though I’m the older twin. She was always tougher than me (like the “evil twin” to our friends), while I was naïve.

(Even then, I had in mind that it would be bad for me if I didn’t change that trait. I think that I’m still working on it, but in another way, because my temperament, nature, and philosophy don’t let me change much. An optimistic, easy-going dreamer is how I would call myself. I’m the heart; she’s the brain. Period.)

A lot of people can relate to that emotional state. Imaginary borders appear when you can’t go against someone who means a lot to you, who you respect immensely (or is your boss, lol). At a kid’s age, you take everything for granted. The dark side of childhood is that you get hurt or disappointed just by trusting others. Or maybe worse, not knowing how big the world is, what all the awful events, terms, plans, minds, etc. that exist, and getting stressed over sundries.

At least as a kid, you have a clear soul.

I’m blessed to have had an easy childhood, but I’d never want to go back to those days — to argue with my twin over dumb things, which now I can honestly call dumb.

The hidden “why” of today’s fights

After years of observing and investigating ourselves and our surroundings, wishes and possibilities, one day “musts” and today’s lifestyle — we conclude that the obstacles that make us quarrel are habits and customs.

Our family is very stubborn and limited, and every time my sister and I want to try something new or buy different clothes, they were like: “Why? It’s been like that until now… you usually don’t do it… you don’t like it anymore?” This has the consequence of us questioning every step out of our comfort zone and making a scenario for them with reasons why we do something. Since we’re not 100% the same personality, when we want to do something separately, or when a certain thing isn’t something we both agree on, we argue with each other, forgetting that life doesn’t need to be as it used to be.  

Misunderstandings with parents or siblings go easier.

With her, it feels like a moment of finality. We get along and function together fantastically, but there’s a small gap protected by an icy barrier. The gap is filled with features that aren’t meant for both of us. In order to get yours, you gotta break the ice. It takes time and volcano hearts. In the end, the barrier evaporates, the brains are cooked, and the new thing becomes a habit. Cheers!

Time heals everything.

Lucky for us, our besties are always supportive and objective. They’re a real treasure in those situations — honest, respectful, and grounding. Their thoughts matter to us far more than those of our family. Again, many things we do are the opposite of their advice, but they’re truly reputable. We’re blessed to have them in our lives ^_^.

Before, During And After Fights

If we were under observation, the diagnosis would be a comical riot. It’s about a glitch in keeping up with the rhythm of shared obligations, which is always funny to observe because it’s followed by little brawls.

Cliché: Going to college — choosing what to wear, picking up the same or similar outfits, convincing the other to choose something else. Then, one is fully ready to go, while the other still has to do her hair, a little makeup, or search for her phone all over the house. Then, one goes at a fast walk (her), while the other walks as if tied by a rope, trying to catch up (me) or procrastinating out of spite. The roles switch as the day passes. That’s on a daily level.

Sounds stupid, but it is what it is. Whoever understands will get it.

Thankfully, we agreed that we had outgrown the hysterical or too-stubborn conflicts that only drain our energy. Still, there’s an inner rage that suffocates but doesn’t last long. Fire can’t survive without oxygen. The only way to solve a problem as a mature person is by talking about it (with more or less louder yelling). We use silence temporarily, to give some space for rationality. Then, a few more rounds of growling at each other, and finally…

COMPROMISE

Such a paradox of a solution. Like an appetizer — not enough to fill you up, yet you’re not hungry anymore. Living it on repeat, you’re forced to build iron nerves, make patience a law, and feel compelled to give rather than take, because real welfare comes from giving — not receiving, creating — not consuming, thinking — not talking.

We all exist for one another, not for ourselves.

Since we’re Geminis, the power of adaptability makes it easy to absorb each other’s perspective without losing our own, and logic usually steps in before emotions have time to harden. (To be honest, I don’t know much about horoscopes and astrology, but I love to read them and think about whether they’re right about me or not.) And at least we take comfort in that…

Not so long ago, it took its turn again: anger. It sets your ribs on fire. Everyone fantasizes about having a twin, the 24/7 company they have, the pranks they pull, the parties where they steal the show… but I’ve never heard anyone think about how it would look if they had a fight. When there are troubles in heaven?

Everyone wants heaven, not everyone wants to die for it.

Even twins who do well together can get too saturated by the presence of the other. In those moments, we fantasize about what a day would look like if we were singletons: walking alone in the street, eating alone, being at home alone, buying stuff without the background echo of opinions… I know a period like that would be healing for our bond; we’ve self-initiated it a few times before.

Anyways, we all have complicated lives. Separating by force just to prove to yourself or anyone else that you can do it would only make things worse. It seems best to live with opportunities and adversities; the problem arises when we don’t recognize them in time, or if we do, the ego shuts them down.

Dear Twins And Others,

Take care of yourself first! If you’re not good for yourself, how can you be for others? It’s all about what’s beyond our shelves. Own your mind, observe, get as aware as you can. Wonder and wander. There’s no draft in a full brain.

How’s a controlled fight called? — Discussion. What’s the difference? — Objectivity before subjectivity. Your reactions are ruled by you, no matter the situation. You stay cool while surrounded by heat and pressure. You’re not on the buttons for someone to turn on your emotions. You let yourself get angry, feel disrespected, disappointed, annoyed…

Try to turn your heart off (emotionally, I mean), but not to become mean, in order to use your brain. You will feel emotions, but don’t show them. It’s better to stay silent if you can’t speak calmly. That doesn’t mean you’re giving in — it’s a STRATEGY. Use that short time to think about how to handle the discussion in a civilized manner.

Aaand your sparring partner for self-improvement is — your twin! Not only a wombmate, but your sibling, schoolmate, soulmate, or even starmate ♊! Not necessary, but it’ll be funnier and easier to sync with someone, just like twins do. In the end, you can’t argue alone (lol, silly).

Get the uniforms that match your vibe! Be the hero who starts and leads the journey to a better environment. Be each other’s observers, not critics. Two heads are smarter than one. Imaginary step out of your skin, take a few more steps, and look at yourself, your actions, your posture. Is that what you want to be?

The advantage twins may have is that we can align in a different, special way, since we’ve shared life even before birth. Yet, everything has its pros and cons.

You’re all welcome to our House Of Double! The place where you can pick your favorite, most relatable say-so — everyday reminders of the desired level of connection between the inner and outer worlds of both.

Go with the one that makes you smile first! Happy choosing! ( ﾟдﾟ)つ Bye